Starting Over
by Elizabeth Perry
Summary: Addek, One Shot. AU, takes an different ending on the last episode.


Title: Starting Over (1/1)

Rating: PG13 for Adult Themes and Harsh Language

Summary: Takes place right before they make Addison/Kate say that crap about her marriage to Derek. No Maddison scene (only because I don't really like those two together, he would be my favorite if he wasn't a Manwhore). **Addek One Shot.**

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The knock on the door was no surprise to Addison Montgomery as she had been waiting for the refill on her alcohol for fifteen minutes. She had finished off two bottles and was working on the third when she realized that she better order replenishments while she was still in her right mind. 

"Come in." She didn't look up as she scrambled in her purse for what could be considered a reasonable tip and scowled when she saw her visitor.

"What are you doing here Derek? Shouldn't you be at the hospital with your girlfriend?"

Derek nodded as he walked into the room and closed the door behind him but stopped when he noticed the state of undress that Addison was in. She had donned one of Derek's old college shirts and was in her silk robe. She crossed her arms and stared at him in question, "What did you need?"

Derek sat down and said, "Alcohol? Using alcohol to drown your sorrows, that has never worked before, why would it now?"

Addison scowled as she looked at Derek and sat down, "Are you here to judge me on what I choose to do with the rest of my life or are you going to tell me why you are here?"

Derek nodded as he leaned forward, "I came here to say thank you. During this whole ordeal with Meredith, you stood by my side. You and Mark were there for me and I felt safe and protected and I just wanted to say thanks."

Addison rolled her eyes as she stood up and walked over to the door and opened it up checking both ends of the hall for her incoming drinks and after not seeing anything scowled and slammed the door shut, "Derek, this wasn't really necessary. A simple thank you in passing would've sufficed. I didn't need you to come here to and impress upon me your gratitude."

Derek walked over to her and reached for her hand and said, "Addison, why did you do it? I hurt you so much with Meredith and everything that, it was just really selfless of you…"

Addison jerked her arm away as she sat down and said, "I did it because I love you. I know it's a hard concept even after everything we've been through but my heart wouldn't let me do anything else. I love Derek Shepherd and Derek needed comforting and there I was. Now if there isn't anything else…."

Derek flinched and started towards the door when Addison called out, "Wait, Derek while you're here I have a question."

Derek turned around as he looked at Addison who was stunningly beautiful even while she looked so fragile in his t-shirt that dwarfed her body as she sat down on the edge of the chair biting her lip. "What is it Addison?"

Addison sighed as she looked at him and said, "Why was I never good enough? I mean, I loved you, I was devoted to you and you left me granted I screwed your best friend first but I still loved you. I followed you to this god forsaken town; let you call me everything from Satan to the adulterous bitch all because I loved you and you still didn't give me anything. I've been in only two serious relationships in my life, you and Mark both of who weren't faithful to me. I need to know, why wasn't I good enough?"

Derek flinched as if pained and said, "Addie, it wasn't like that…."

Addison rolled her eyes and said, "Derek, I was there. I tried everything, I did all the right things, I gave up everything for you and you didn't want it, you snubbed my sacrifice and couldn't wait to leave my arms and hit Meredith's so I need to know why?"

Derek sat down and said, "Addison, I didn't want our marriage to end like it did. It's something I regret everyday and I don't know the words….."

Addison cut him off mid sentence and said, "I don't want the words, I want the truth. Was I not pretty enough? Smart enough? Blonde enough? Was I not needy or too needy?"

Derek scowled and said, "Addison you are fine just the way you are."

Addison leaned back and said, "Derek just go, if you aren't going to be honest with me, just leave."

Derek stayed in his chair and didn't move, "Addison, why are you getting drunk?"

Addison looked back at him and said simply, "To forget. I still dream about you, I still reach for you in my sleep and today when I was comforting you, I felt like we were one again but then I saw you spooning in bed with Meredith and I knew I was deluding myself so I'm trying to feverishly drown my memories in alcohol. Normally I would just sleep with Mark for a quick fix but I guess he's on call tonight."

Derek grimaced and said, "I don't really need details of your relationship with Mark Sloan please."

Addison shrugged as she reached for her glass and emptied it and said, "Why? You don't love me? It's not as if you even care, so why does it bother you? Besides, I'm not even in a relationship with Mark; I just use him to fill the void you left. He doesn't care, he's a manwhore remember?"

Derek leaned forward and reached for the glass and took it out of her hand and said, "Even if we are not together, I still care about what happens to you."

Addison rolled her eyes as she reached for the glass but was prevented by Derek sitting back with it in his hand and said, "Derek, the only way you could care about something happening to me would be if I'm on my death bed... Hey that's an idea….."

Addison dashed for the phone before Derek could stop her as she called room service and made a request for some more items, "Send up more alcohol and a bottle of aspirin. I finally figured out how to make my ex-husband care."

She hung up the phone and walked back over to the chair and sat down, "So how many pills do I have to pop for you to pretend to care? It worked for Grey right? That's what's going for healthy these days isn't it?"

Derek scowled and said, "Enough with the hurtful talk Addison, I'm not going anywhere so you can just stop trying to piss me off."

Addison laughed as she looked at him, "You have had more emotions with me in these five minutes than in the last five months. I guess I should be happy for pity, anger and compassion when all I have been given lately is indifference."

Derek closed his eyes and said, "Did you ever think it still hurts too much?"

Addison pretended not to hear him as the knock on the door came and she opened it up and accepted the bottles of alcohol as she tipped the waiter generously and said, "Thanks, I'll be calling you in a little while if I need refreshments."

She closed the door behind him and started to make herself a drink when she heard Derek come up behind her and pull the glass from her hand and said, "You wanted to talk, we are talking but I want you sober. I know that is going to be next to impossible with the amount of alcohol already running through your bloodstream but don't you think it's time for us to put this behind us."

Addison's hand hovered over the bottle as she contemplated his words and finally acquiesced. She stepped back and sat down on the bed and wrapped herself in her robe as she looked at Derek and said, "What still hurts? What hurts for you Derek? Everything that you've done for the last couple of months has been Meredith-centric. I'm always an afterthought just like I was during our marriage so I don't understand what could possibly hurt you, you have what you want."

Derek looked at her and said, "It's not easy you know. It's not easy to realize that the woman that you planned to spend your life with isn't there anymore. Meredith almost died and the only thing I could worry about was that she was a strong swimmer and that she shouldn't have been in that predicament in the first place. It was after that I rolled out of bed after she fell asleep and came here. I was with a woman that I considered capable of suicide and I didn't understand how it could've happened. Derek Shepherd, world renowned neurosurgeon has a basket case for a girlfriend that he considers capable of suicide."

Addison stood up and walked over to the bottles and reached for the cap, "Derek, she didn't try to commit suicide. Stevens told us that after speaking with the little girl it was obvious that she was pitched into the water by the seizure the man had. She wasn't trying to end it all."

Addison didn't know what possessed her to provide him with that piece of information but she had and now she would wait for the fallout, "I know Addison."

Addison stopped from pouring as she turned to Derek in question, "You know?"

Derek nodded and said, "I know. She told me and for a moment I was relieved but then I felt the guilt weigh in on my heart. Why had I felt so comfortable thinking she had tried to commit suicide and it was then that I realized. I loved Meredith Grey because she needed me to save her. You never needed saving Addison, you were always so together, so complete that you didn't need me and here was this fragile woman who asked me to choose her, who asked me to love her and I was flattered like any man would be. I was enthralled that a woman considered me, me worthy of degrading herself for. It wasn't right and I'm not proud of it but there it is."

Addison turned around as she looked at him and said, "So you and Meredith are what to each other? Tortured souls looking to save each other? Or are you her knight in shining armor trying to right every wrong that had every happened to Meredith?"

Derek shrugged and said, "Right now, I'm just a man looking at his ex-wife who's on the verge of oblivion and wondering why I never noticed that you could need saving too."

Addison snorted in disbelief, "I always wanted to be saved but I was never Meredith Grey. I wanted you to care enough to notice that I was falling apart inside. But you never did and now it's just too late."

Derek flinched at the anger in her tone, he knew it was justified, he knew he deserved it but it still made him flinch, "Addison, I can help save you, if you let me."

Addison walked towards the door and opened it, "Leave Derek. Just leave, go home and pretend that you weren't here and I'll do you the same courtesy. You are with the woman you were always destined to be with isn't that right? I mean, what's 11 years of marriage compared to some really good sex with your slutty intern?"

Derek flinched as he stood up and walked over to the door, he took her hand off the doorjamb as he closed the door behind him and turned to her, "You helped me when I needed it and all I want to do right now is help you."

Addison snatched her hand out of his grip and said, "You are such a condescending ass. Get out Derek. This is not the time for your conscious, I want you to leave." She struggled with the door as he held her from behind and whispered softy into her hair, "Addison, I was an ass, I was a jerk but I still want to be here for you. I have to be here for you when you need me."

Addison choked on a sob and said, "Let me go Derek. You aren't playing fair."

Derek listened to her request and released her as she strolled over to the sofa chair and plopped down while reaching for another glass of alcohol, but was stopped by Derek putting his hand on her wrist, "I need you to be okay Addison. You have to be together so I can stay normal. You are the only one who keeps me sane when the rest of the world is falling apart around me, don't you know that by now?"

Addison rolled her eyes and said, "So that's what I'm here for, to make sure you that you stay together. That sounds so nice; the ex-wife is who keeps you together while the girlfriend tears you apart. Tell me, did you actually plan on having two women in your life? One to sleep with and one to make sure you stay on the straight and narrow?"

Derek closed his eyes at the anger in her tone and said, "Addison, I'm trying. I know what I did was inexcusable and no amounts of I'm sorry is going to cover it. I hurt you, I hurt the one person who had always been by my side loving me through it all and I didn't handle anything right."

Addison rolled her eyes at his statement and said, "Please save me the pity party. Look its late, I'm tired and unless you are planning on saying anything else, its time for bed."

Derek looked up and said, "Addison, I'm sorry. The word sorry seems so insignificant compared to what I put you through but it's the only way I know how to even start to repent for what I've done. I'm not asking for your friendship or forgiveness but I want you to know that since you came to Seattle, I wasn't Derek. Not the one you married anyway. That Derek disappeared and in its place you were stuck with the fractured human being you see in front of you."

Addison closed her eyes as she leaned her head against the chair and sighed in exhaustion. She heard Derek move but she assumed it was just to leave and was shocked when she felt the fingers start to massage her temples. She sighed in happiness and let herself drift off as she dreamed of another time, another place and another world where her love with Derek was real and not some contrived made up romance that resulted in a marriage. They had been in love; there couldn't have been 11 years of all bad memories, could there?

Addison stilled his hand with her fingers and said, "Do you ever miss us? We used to live for each other and through each other, but do you miss the day to day need to talk with your best friend?"

Derek cleared his throat as he looked away because she had hit the nail on the head. Addison closed her eyes as she said, "Never mind, I forgot. Meredith Grey became your best friend right?"

Derek walked around the edge of the table until he was sitting in front of her and said, "Addison?"

Addison opened her eyes slowly and was expecting to see Derek still hovering over her head but the floor was empty. She looked up and saw Derek staring at her with a look of sadness in his eyes. Addison sat up and said, "Yea?"

Derek took her hand and said, "Everyday I miss my best friend. You could always read me so well, Mark and I were friends. I would even go so far as to say that we were family but you Addison? You were my other half; there wasn't anything I wouldn't share with you. Nothing I wouldn't have done and sometimes when I'm not looking I still turn around expecting you to be the one listening to me bounce off all of my crazy ideas on. I tried it once with Meredith and she didn't get it, she didn't even come close."

Addison smiled softly as she looked down and said, "Thank you Derek. Thank you for still caring enough to lie to me. I know that whatever Meredith Grey told you would have you flipping over the moon, so you don't need to lie to spare my feelings."

Derek flinched at the dejected tone in her voice and said, "I stand behind what I say. I do miss my best friend, my accomplice, and my conspirator."

Addison smiled as she reached out and stroked his face and said, "I miss you too Derek."

Derek held her hand against his face even as she was trying to move it and said, "I need my best friend Addison? Do you still think she's around?"

Addison inhaled a sharp breath as she listened to Derek casually open the door for another relationship with her. She tried to retrieve her hand from him but he held it steadfast against his face as he waited for a response to his answer. Addison nodded as she looked away and said, "Your best friend never left, she was just forgotten about."

Derek smiled softly and said, "Then I won't be stupid enough to lose her again."

Addison sighed as she blurted out her confession, "I kissed Alex."

Derek flinched back in shock and said, "Addison?"

Addison shrugged and leaned back against the chair and said, "He reminds me of you, you know? On the outside it appears he's an ass but he cares, he cares. I was drawn to that after dealing with Mark all day and we were at Joe's and I kissed him."

Derek didn't speak because he knew that any words that came out of his mouth at the moment wouldn't help but cause her to go off so he waited, and she spoke again, "He didn't want me either. He told me that he let me kiss him because I was his teacher and he thought he would get in trouble if he didn't, so you see I'm not very desirable to everyone around me. I thought I had outgrown my 'Skippy Gold' phase but apparently I'm still there."

Derek leaned forward and said, "Addison, anyone who turns you down is a fool." He stopped as he realized what he just admitted but Addison obviously hadn't heard him as she stared at the alcohol on the wet bar.

Addison looked at him and said, "You can go now Derek."

Derek shook his head and said, "I can't leave you, not like this Addison. You aren't doing well."

Addison shrugged and said, "I haven't been doing well since I came to Seattle but it never seemed to bother you before, so why now? Don't worry about me, I'll just drink myself into oblivion and then call Richard in the morning and tell him I need a couple of days off. Maybe I'll visit the sites here."

Derek looked at her and said, "Addison, how did we get so far apart from where we were? We used to be everything to each other and now we act like strangers until a crisis reminds us that we can always count on each other."

Addison laid her head on the back of the couch as she spoke, "I don't know. I used to think it was all my fault, I had turned to Mark to get you to see me and you didn't care so you turned to Meredith but then I started realizing that our problems started long before that, maybe it had something to do with you falling out of love with me and not telling me."

Derek reached for her hand which she snatched back and said, "Don't Derek, just don't."

Derek nodded as he waited for her to meet his eyes and after waiting patiently for five minutes felt her sigh as she leaned up and met his eyes, "I didn't stop loving you Addison. I stopped loving myself. I had everything I wanted, I had the woman I loved, I had the career and I had friendship but something was missing and I didn't know how to fill the void. So I tried with work, I tried to consume myself in work to fill the void that was absent in my heart and for awhile it worked."

Addison looked away and said, "So there was something missing? This is a first; I always thought it was something I did."

Derek shook his head and sad, "I don't know what I was feeling but it was a void and I didn't know how to fill it so I pulled back from you so you couldn't see I was failing you. I was thought something was wrong with me."

Addison snorted and said, "Why couldn't you just tell me that? I was feeling a void, but it was the one that was left by you, it was the one that you created when you pulled away from me."

Addison stood up as she moved away from him and said, "I don't want to rehash this anymore. You made your choice, Meredith fills your void, like I don't and you are happy so just let it go."

Addison opened the door even as Derek was reaching for the knob to close it, "Addison, please just let me finish and then you can kick me out or cuss me out or do whatever you feel is best but let me finish what I was about to say."

Addison sighed as she turned around and closed the door before walking away from Derek and standing behind the chair with her arms wrapped around her middle shielding herself from his next words, "Meredith doesn't fill the void Addison. She can't, I thought she could, I even told you that she did but she can't fill the void because I realized when I was holding her in my arms tonight that the only one who can fill that void is you. You Addison, it took me an affair, a divorce and screwing with an intern from the hospital to realize that the void in my life is you. It hit me as I was lying in the bed holding that fragile girl in my arms, that girl who I feel compassion and pity for but nothing else. Addison, she's not you and she will never be."

Addison knew the tears were rolling down her cheeks without letup but she didn't care. Derek Shepherd had finally uttered the words that put an end to the heartache the she had been living with alone for all of these months and now after he put an end to it, it created another hole. What did it matter if she was the void filler? Meredith was who he was with, who he had committed himself to being with.

Addison crossed the room until she stopped in front of him and said, "If I fill the void in your heart what does Meredith fill?"

Derek looked at the woman who was standing in front of him vulnerable, yet beautiful as he ached to cradle her in his arms he knew that he didn't have that right, not yet. He sighed as he met her eyes and said, "Meredith is, Meredith is my past. She was something I had to live to realize that life without you leaves a bigger void than one I ever imagined that Meredith could create, life without you means life without me because I'm only half a person without you Addison. I know I have no right to tell you these things, no right to even impose on you but I needed you to know that, that you weren't the only one hurting because we weren't together."

Addison stepped away and said, "Okay."

Derek flinched at the one-word she had uttered to his opening his heart to her again but she walked towards the bed and said, "Good night Derek."

Derek nodded as he realized that it was too late and then even though for all of his apologies and words of love, the wounds were still too deep and too raw for her to ever let him in again.

He walked towards the door when he heard her voice again, "Derek? Are you coming?"

Derek felt his heart drop to his feet as he realized what she was offering he walked to the edge of the bed as he looked at her and said, "Are you sure Addison? If I get into this bed with you now, there's no turning back. We start a new page from this moment on, together it won't be easy but it will be us again."

Addison nodded as she sat up and reached for his hand, he sighed as he sank into the bed and pulled her into his arms. As she lay on his chest he realized that the ache in his chest suddenly became lighter as the void in his heart was suddenly filled to overflowing.

He kissed her on the top of the head and said, "I love you Addison, thank you for being."

Addison lifted her head up as she met his eyes and leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips and said, "I love you too Derek, good night."

As Addison laid her head on his chest he stroked her hair until he heard her even breathing and sighed in happiness, he was finally back where he belonged and the void he once thought empty was filled and he was complete again with his world in his arms. He knew life wouldn't be easy but as long as they were together, nothing about them starting over could ever be tough.

End

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A/N: I wrote this story out of sheer desperation for something semi-normal to address the eleven years of marriage. I still can't fathom how everyone else (coughShondacough)seems to think that it doesn't exist but whatever, I wrote this story from my condo in Addek fanfic land and request that everyone else write one and see how your day goes. Mine went better after this one was typed. 


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